it's your life
by marauders.padfootsb
Summary: First Year is full of frustration and unfamiliarity and a twinge of homesickness. It's being Sorted into a different House than Sev, being top of your Year, being the one person Potter seems to seek out most. drabble about lily evans - first year through going into hiding. hope you enjoy!


First Year is full of frustration and unfamiliarity and a twinge of homesickness. It's being Sorted into a different House than Sev, being top of your Year, being the one person Potter seems to seek out most. It's befriending Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary, staying up late at night while they tell you about all the Wizarding World has to offer. It's discovering Quidditch (which you hate) and Celestina Warbeck (whom you love). It's trying every kind of candy that Marlene's older brother got from Honeydukes and accidently walking through the Bloody Baron.

Second Year is sending a Tickling Charm Potter's way after he calls Sev " _Snevillus_." It's your first detention directly after, too, but you don't mind as much as you thought. It's figuring out Remus' secret and not telling a soul – not even him – but you don't care (How could you?) because it's _Remus we're talking about_. It's helping Mary with Charms and Dorcas with boys and Marlene with waking up in the mornings. It's learning (and being awful at) Wizards' Chess and turning your beetle into a button first try. It's visiting Hagrid for afternoon tea and always taking two helpings of treacle tart.

Third Year is _Hogsmeade_ and Arithmancy and Divination and Potter asking you out for the first time (You not-so-politely decline). It's spending the majority of October with your legs dangling in the Great Lake, your friends giggling next to you. It's studying with Sev in the library and noticing his eyes wander. It's Petunia writing to you even less than before because of some _normal_ whale of a man named Vernon. It's sharing a butterbeer with Sirius Black in Hogsmeade because you've lost your friends and _Really, they'll be right back,_ but he insists and is actually quite funny. It's going to the Kitchens one night with Remus, because it's been a long day and the House Elves always have hot chocolate.

Fourth Year is Slug Club parties and sneaking off with Benji Fawcett because parties aren't your thing and you think Sirius might've spiked the pumpkin juice. It's waking up in the morning to Marlene telling you that Benji is in the Hospital Wing with a frightful black eye. It's sitting with Dorcas and Mary at Quidditch matches, watching Potter soar through the air like a bird (You'd never admit it, but you're rather impressed). It's finally having the nerve to quit Divination because crystal balls and prophecies are complete rubbish anyways. It's thinking Sev has been hanging out too much with Mulciber and Avery and Malfoy but not saying anything. It's trying your first sip of alcohol with Dorcas and Marlene coming over at Christmas.

Fifth Year is when all Hell really breaks loose. It's Sev asking too many questions about Remus and Potter being worse than ever before and being so stressed because O.W.L.s are coming up. It's threatening Potter by the Lake and _that word_ – the one that haunts your brain and seeps into your dreams. It's knowing he didn't deserve what you said and understanding Sev was gone and in his place is a boy who doesn't understand what he's doing. It's taking points away from the Marauders because you're a prefect and maybe you're abusing your power, but you don't really care. It's drinking firewhiskey with Marlene in empty classrooms and passing your exams with flying colors. It's more " _I hate you, Potter_ sand _Back at you, Evans_ s than there have ever been. It's partnering with Peter in Potions because he's absolutely dreadful and the Marauders are awful at teaching. It's your dad getting sick and your world falling apart and Sirius and that prank and _why why why?_

Sixth Year is regaining control. It's spending more time with Marlene and Dorcas and Mary. It's ignoring Sev every time he comes around the corner trying to get your attention. It's getting paired with Potter for a Transfiguration project and actually having a good time. It's hours and hours of homework and studying because you're taking more N.E.W.T.-level subjects than anyone knew existed. It's knowing Petunia won't write you back but sending chocolates on her birthday just in case. It's discovering the Marauders' secret – why they're Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs – and your heart melting at their sense of brotherhood. It's brewing potions for fun and enjoying life instead of just existing. It's eating breakfast with the Marauders and actually helping them with a prank (their best one to date, you think). It's learning how to Apparate and Mary splinching herself and spending the rest of the evening with Marlene and Dorcas in the Hospital Wing. It's a war brewing outside the castle walls; and when McGonagall asks if you what you'd like to do after Hogwarts, she sees the fire in your emerald eyes and knows.

Seventh Year is being Head Girl and wishing Severus hadn't gone down that road and maybe feeling more than just friendship for James. It's parties that last until midnight and tutoring scared First Years and bringing Remus a basket of candy from Honeydukes after a full moon. It's sneaking out at night with Marlene and swimming with Mary in the Great Lake. It's snogging James on the Quidditch pitch after Gryffindor wins the Cup because his lips look so soft and he's beautiful and courageous and kind and _James and why have I fought this all this time_? It's sobbing when Petunia doesn't make you a bridesmaid, but secretly bringing James along just to drive her mad. It's being scared to leave Hogwarts because after all these years it's home, and you can't imagine leaving Marlene or Sirius or Mary or _any of them._

Graduating isn't like coming up for a breath of fresh air. It hasn't been a week before Dumbledore has called them and asked them if they want to join the Order. Now life is missions and curses whizzing by your head. It's the three days when Sirius went missing and James drove himself crazy with worry and you finally finding him inside an abandoned building chained to a wall. It's Dorcas being murdered personally by Voldemortand Remus going to live with the werewolves and Marlene being gone before daybreak and _everyone around you is dying._ It's seeing Severus on the battlefield for the first time, and in a split moment you want to run and hug him – but his wand raises and you remember. It's James kneeling down on one knee in the middle of a battlefield, Sirius on his right and you on his left. It's kissing him like your life depends on it – and maybe it does – while your friends are blocking green and red light from your path. It's the empty spots beside Mary where Dorcas and Marlene should be and Sirius' best man speech moving you to tears. It's finding out you're pregnant and telling Padfoot first because you're not even twenty yet and James is out on a mission and _what are we supposed to do now?_ It's Harry being born and all the Marauders there. It's the boys never leaving your perfect house in Godric's Hallow. It's wanting to make a difference – for yourself and for your husband and for your friends – because this isn't a world worth living in.

Going into hiding is like giving up on everything you've fought for. It's sitting on the couch, stroking the cat Peter brought over. It's listening to James talking to Harry, telling him stories about the infamous Marauders, and wishing that just maybe you could go back to those days for a while. It's feeling like the walls are caving in on you and wondering when this happened and sobbing into James' chest. It's wishing you had kept taking Divination, because it's not rubbish – It's ruining your family. It's switching your Secret Keeper to Peter, because Sirius means too much and if he got hurt for you, you don't know what you'd do and James definitely couldn't handle it. It's knowing exactly is going to happen when James tells you to take Harry and run. It's not having enough time to voice exactly how much you love him, _but he knows, he knows, he's always known._ It's hearing the love of your life hit the floor and trying to protect the baby that looks so much like him behind you. It's thinking of Sirius and Remus and Marlene and Dorcas and Mary and _James_ as the green light reaches you.


End file.
